Filed under: CrAPPS
It’s about time for another installment of CrApps (see category in left-hand drop-down menu). It’s been about 3 years since my last installment, and I’ve been collecting plenty of fodder over the years, just for this occasion. However, now that Grindr is low man on the totem pole, that just makes more room for apps like Scruff (the new reigning king…queen?), GROWLr, Jack’d and MISTER. Hooray? Just wait. You’ll see.
Filed under: Life
I know it’s been a few days since I posted, but I really didn’t want to hit you in the face so soon, with another “I like him, but it’s not mutual” story. So I’m saving that for later when I can deal with it. Trust me, it’s nothing you haven’t seen before, but I need to get it out of my mind and into print, so I can hopefully GTF over it (it’s a completely ridiculous scenario anyway, thus all the more embarrassing). At the moment it’s making me sad and I don’t want to talk about it.
With that said, I was at a CD store the other day, selling more of my CD collection, because (1) I like the finer things in life, like food and gas for my car, (2) I honestly don’t listen to them anymore. I’ve got a small reserve of sentimental ones, but for the most part, I’m over it, and (3) NOW I realize what all the hubbub was about, back in the 90’s, when groups like Depeche Mode were touting their “remastered” albums. At the time, I was like “What?! This sounds exactly the same. They’re just double-dipping.” NOW I can tell the difference and it’s annoying (re: sound quality of old version vs. remastered).
ANYWAY, very little of this has anything to do with why I started this post to begin with! So, while I was at the CD store, waiting for them to do my buy, this song came on and some long-forgotten memories came flooding back to me.
I knew I’d heard this song, but at first I couldn’t remember where. Then I remembered: my mom used to play this song on the piano all the time. When I was little, I used to think she’d wrote it (she was forever writing silly, western swing-style songs about cats and birds and mice, etc.). As soon as I heard the title chorus, I knew the rest of the words…even though I haven’t heard the song in decades. Weird how your mind works. I can’t imagine what it must be like to lose it all. Heartbreaking. In the end, your mind is what truly defines you. Fuck the rest of it. Without your mind, you have no identity.
It made me melancholy, but it also made me smile. It’s been a while.
Filed under: Life
Next, is the age-old idiom “Keeping up with the Joneses”. In my particular case, it’s not so much the material things and/or the lifestyle; it’s the accomplishments. At the risk of sounding like I’m making excuses, I’ve never been one of those people who aspired to be rich, own some overpriced mode of transportation, travel to exotic places, etc. Honestly, I like what I have. And as much as common sense dictates that I not compare myself to others and their accomplishments, I can’t help but feel like I’ve dropped the ball, it’s rolled under the couch and I’m a T-Rex. All my life, I’ve heard how ‘talented’ I am. And while compliments are always nice to receive, I can’t help but wonder at this stage of my life, why I’ve, so far, been unable to parlay this “talent” into a career, money-making venture and/or some form of tangible accomplishment(s)/success. Maybe my genius (ha!) will be recognized after I’m dead. That’s always nice.
That brings us to relationships; all aspects. While driving to work today, I was thinking about how, when we’re young, we take friendships for granted. Because of school, lack of serious romantic involvements and such, we get to spend so much more time together. Then you get older, you get jobs (careers), you take on responsibilities and before you know it, you’re relegated to just weekends, where you’re forced to compete with their families and prior engagements. It’s a depressing prospect. On the plus side, when you do get together, it’s as if no time has passed at all and for a (seemingly) brief moment all is right with the world.
Before I get too far into my next topic, a little backstory is necessary. For the uninitiated, I currently am employed at an adult video store/gift shop. It’s located int he heart of the gay district, so the majority of our clientele (doesn’t that sound fancy?) are gay men, of all ages.
With that divulged, we can now dive head first (off the tallest building), into our next paragraphs.
Annnnd that’s where I’ve stopped at the moment. I didn’t have the kind of down time today to get much more than a few paragraphs written after this, so once there’s enough material, I’ll pick up where I left off. Some of it is closely related to older posts written around the time I started my job, roughly a year ago, so here are links to those past posts (password protected, if I remember correctly), as a precursor:
Filed under: Life
I‘m sitting here at Subway, killing time until I have to be at work at 12:30 (2.5 hours from now). I’d actually rather be at the library down the street, but since I’m unable to check anything out, it’d be like window shopping…which you know I hate.
Emotionally, I’ve been feeling ‘yuck’ lately. It’s a little bit of everything: money, age, accomplishments (or lackthereof), relationships, etc.
Part of me (the biggest part) tells me to just accept that this is just how I am and stop over-thinking it. Then the upbeat magazine article part of me tells me that I’m in control of my own life and what course it takes; think positive! organize my clutter! take chances!
For once, believe it or not, work (the job itself) is actually a non issue…sorta kinda. I’m content with the work aspect of it, but environmentals are a fucking minefield of problematic issues:
As a rule, I’ve never been the type of person who subscribes to the usual pitfalls of aging. I have friends (re: my age or older) whom bemoan physical ailments, compare themselves to younger people and lament the appearance of our generation’s pop culture figures; ultimately comparing themselves to these icons because of psychological attachments per their youth. Now don’t get me wrong, I can totally understand and appreciate the physical aspects (re: ailments) and in no way mean to devalue them (I have a few of my own). Nor am I suggesting that I am ready to Step It Up and participate in some age-defying physical antics. No, I’m not delusional. I’m aware of how old I am, compared to how old I feel. Granted, I could probably pay a little more attention to my appearance, I am not one of those people who’s overly concerned with how old I look or appear to look. Eventually polite, well-meaning compliments become patronizing, whether they mean to be or not. I guess I’m just not that susceptible.
With that said, I sometimes get momentarily derailed by the constant barrage of ageism in the area where I work. I initially thought it was a combination of physical appearance AND age. However (ironically) as time goes on, I’ve come to realize it’s age. Just age. I know. I know what you’re thinking: “Kirk, it’s always been this way. Youth is king.” I guess I’ve just never seen it so concentrated before. Maybe I never really took notice before because I was still part of that demographic. Maybe I’m on the cusp of the infamous “midlife crisis.”
I’ll revisit this particular vein again, later, regarding the workplace and my problem du jour.
Tomorrow: Part 2
Filed under: Life
Hey everyone! I had no idea that more than a year (a year and 8 months to be precise) had passed since I last posted! My apologies. I’ve been really busy with work and I haven’t had the time to do the kind of labor-intensive posts I used to do. HOWEVER, I miss writing (read: venting), so I’ve decided to begin posting my journal entries. Basically the stuff I write in the hours prior to me having to be at work. Since I generally get to work 2-3 hours early (I just do not wanna deal with any potential traffic snafus that will end up putting me in a bad mood/stress me out before I have to be at work for eight hours), I often sit somewhere and drink some iced tea and read…or write.
These posts may be broken up into parts, since I sometimes write anywhere from 4-8 pages. Not always, but sometimes. I don’t know how humorous these posts will be, so you’ve been forewarned. A lot of times, it’s just observations, how I’m feeling at the moment, what’s on my mind or just random thoughts. I don’t know if I’ll be posting images to accompany my posts, so they may not be as pretty as past ones. Whatever the case, they’re real and probably not as apologetic (audience-friendly) as past posts either. I figure at this point, you pretty much know how I am and how I think, so you most-likely won’t take anything I have to say personally, but as a broad stroke with very few colors.
If I ever deem a post to be particularly damning, should it be seen by co-workers and/or unwanteds, I’ll most-likely make that post password protected. If you know the password, groovy. If not, and I can verify your identity, it’s yours for the asking. I’ll try to make it as uncomplicated as possible.
With that said, Part 1 of today’s entry follows this introductory post. Enjoy.