Kirkkitsch’s Blog


The Eyes Have It
October 23, 2013, 3:22 pm
Filed under: Life

Okay, let me preface this by saying, YES, I know this is probably pretty pathetic by most standards, but it’s newsworthy to me.YES, I am a 40-something who is excited about his first (that I recall), cruise, flirt, what have you.

As you know, I have ZERO luck in the dating department. It’s just the card I’ve been dealt. Maybe there’s something I could have been doing differently all these years, but it was never something I sought to research, pinpoint and cure. However, lately I have been wondering just what it is about me/my personality, body language, etc. that has created SUCH a dead zone (in regards to my dating life…or lack thereof). I may have questionable self-esteem, but I know I am NOT totally gross (that’s what generally like me, so I have a comparison). I think I have a plausibly outgoing personality. I feel like I’m friendly and approachable, unless, of course, my lack of a constant Colgate smile is ‘intimidating.’ I’m hygienic. I feel like my clothing is relatively neat in appearance, though I will admit I often wear clothing that is considerably larger than it needs to be, out of the habit of a lifetime of not being a “Skinny Minnie”, as my grandmother would put it. Deep inside, I KNOW I’m not as big as the clothing I choose, but I also am a slave to comfort and/or I’m not a fan of what I call “nipple-riffic” clothing; i.e. I feel like my nipples are on parade, when I wear a shirt that is actually more form-fitting (and probably more flattering than the T-shirt dresses/sweaters that I sometimes choose to wear). But I digress. Back to the subject at hand.

Wait, wait. One more thing to preface this before I actually start. I have absolutely no idea of how to gay flirt. I’ve been ‘schooled’ in it recently, by co-workers, but it’s just SO not me. I just can’t pull it off, I feel, PLAUSIBLY. It feels fake and forced and kinda goofy. Gay flirting makes me very self-conscious and just doesn’t work for me. However, the way in which I’ve been schooled in how to READ a gay flirt, IS accurate. It’s like the rarely-seen Snow Leopard, but I’ve witnessed it on a few occasions. Some of the tell-tale signs are: holding direct eye contact (I call this ‘cruising’, because I’m “old school” like that). Walking by, then turning your head to look at the person. Engaging in small talk/conversation. Finding a way to touch the person with whom you’re talking to. Okay, I’ve experienced almost all of that, but the last one. If I did, I think I’d remember it.

SO, I’m working the other night and there are a few people in the store, when this one guy comes in. I greet him and he smiles and nods and looks straight into my eyes. I’m like “Um, okay. I know I’m flirt-challenged, but that was definitely something.” He walks on by, and I’m still keeping an eye on him, because he’s cute, and he turns his head, after he walks by and stares me down AGAIN, then smiles. I’m all “Whaaaat? Is this really happening?” He walks around the corner of an aisle and continues to stare, periodically. I’m not gonna lie: at this point, I’m kinda excited. Not necessarily that I think I’ve found my soulmate, but because someone, ANYONE is actually showing interest in me! AND they’re not OLD or a troglodyte, like the usual fare that finds me simply irresistible. Seriously. I am NOT exaggerating. But more about that later.

So, he comes around to the ring counter near me and ‘pretends’ to be looking in the cases, but is actually looking up at me (his head is down). We smile at each other and he kinda laughs. Growing weary of the cat & mouse game, I eventually ask him “So, what are you up to tonight?” He puts his head down and kinda giggles, but says hardly anything. Having worked retail in Texas for as long as I have, this is the #1 sign that the person you are speaking to does NOT speak English, or at the very least, English is NOT their first language. I think “Who cares? He’s obviously into you, so what if his English stinks?” LOL! I want to engage him in more conversation, but I get busy ringing people up (oh yeah, I’m still at work!) and helping customers. He lingers in the doorway for a while, then leaves. I watch him leave, and he’s STILL watching me, slowly walking by the window, walking and looking and smiling. THEN it dawns on me, “Why didn’t I give him our business card with my phone number on it?” I kick myself and think “Oh well.” Later on in the evening, he slowly walks by the store again, all the while looking (business has died at this point). I smile at him, He smiles at me. Again, later on in the evening, he does the same thing, but coming from the opposite direction this time. Again, we exchange smiles and THIS time, I go out, introduce myself and ask him his name. He quietly says ‘Daniel’ and I shake his hand. He holds my hand for longer than usual, and I pat his hand with my other hand (lame!) and smile. I give him the card with my number on it and tell him to call me. He smiles and I tell him that we’ll talk later (still not 100% sure he doesn’t speak English, since he understood me asking him what his name is).

So, a few hours later, he comes back into the store and stands across the counter from me (the store is still empty) and just smiles. We stand there smiling and nervously laughing, for what seems like AGES, but I know is only a few minutes. I finally decide to ask him “Do you speak English?” He says “A little” and that “his English is very bad.” He asks me what time I get off work. I tell him after midnight. I ask him if he lives in Dallas (he does), then tell him that I live in Arlington. –More staring, smiling ensues- I comment that he is very shy. He looks downward and smiles really big and says “A little”. I asked him if he has a phone (yes) and if he’s going to call me (yes). He reaches out to shake my hand (or so it seems) and just kinda holds & squeezes my hand. Again, I rub his hand with my other hand (what’s THAT? It’s called me being nervous and not knowing what to do, yet wanting to convey intimacy of some kind…I’m wingin’ it). He leaves and that’s the end of it.

This is how I see it going down: In all honesty, I don’t see him calling me. I mean, come on, if he barely speaks English, you think he’s going to call me on the phone and draw more attention to that? He might come back in the store (I told him I work the next two nights…for what it’s worth, considering he doesn’t speak English)…and then, he might not. The way I’m looking at it is this: whether he follows through and this goes any further is kinda irrelevant. Personally, I am thrilled that someone decent showed interest. Seriously. I was in desperate need of some form of optimism injection (in regard to meeting men). This last week has been an absolute fuckfest of bad, gay juju. I’ll blog more about that later. It’s not pretty. However, in the meantime, I’ll keep playing it by ear and see what happens. Keep your fingers crossed!


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