Kirkkitsch’s Blog

Watching. Vol.24
August 23, 2012, 6:00 am
Filed under: Movies, Reviews

I rented 3 movies from RedBox lately. I’ll keep my reviews brief:

Intruders– I LOVE me some Clive Owen. I do…although I can’t say I’ve seen anything he’s been in since 2009’s The International, which I enjoyed. However, I do have Killer Elite in my NetFlix queue. Hard to believe he’s 47; he hasn’t aged a day IMO.

Premise: Two children living in different countries are visited nightly by a faceless being who wants to take possession of them.

So, after seeing the trailer for Intruders, I knew I was in. It looked sort of atypical, but it had two things going for it: Clive Owen and a spooky storyline.

Well, I am happy to report that I enjoyed the film. I’d add it to my DVD collection, for the right price.

First off, the film looks beautiful. It has a great, creepy atmosphere and I thought the cast was great. I also thought the villain was creepy, but then hooded villains always get a thumbs up from me (think The Dementors from Harry Potter and you’re on the right track). And although I read several negative reviews about it being too slow, which usually translates into “I don’t have the patience for actual suspense and/or plot, just show me the gore”, I still opted to watch it. The majority of the mental midgets who run amuck on IMDB are botards anyway, that’s a given.

In the end, Intruders was one of those little films that fell through the cracks during its release and deserves an audience. The movie was a fun ride even though there’s no gore; no gore doesn’t always make or break a movie. Sure, it can be a little slow in places (that’s how you build suspense) and the ‘twist’ was kinda weak, but overall it was enjoyable.

P.s. Why is it that no one seems to know what a SYNOPSIS is any more? A synopsis is NOT a blow-by-blow account of the film in its entirety, it’s exactly what the word synopsis means: A brief summary. The keyword being BRIEF! Oy

Piranha 3DD– I have to be honest, I wasn’t a big fan of the 2010 remake. Everyone else I know who likes horror seemed to LOVE it, but I just found it ‘okay’. It definitely had good gore effects, but overall…eh.

Premise: After the events at Lake Victoria, the pre-historic school of blood-thirsty piranhas make their way into a newly opened waterpark.

So it was out of sheer boredom that I rented Piranha 3DD. I knew from the trailer that it was NOT to be taken seriously and would be very campy, but it was SO not my thing. I’m sure some of my straight counterparts are ALL over the purchase of this DVD. Trust me when I say it’s not for the movie, it’s for the tittays (as Adam from Workaholics would say). This as close as you’re ever going to get to a theatrically-released 3D porno. You’d NEVER get this much dick greenlighted. Seriously.

Personally, nothing about this movie made it worth renting, with the exception of Christopher Lloyd, who’s in it for maybe 10-15 minutes. Otherwise, all the male actors were interchangeable as were all the boobs (real and otherwise). I forward wound through 95% of this movie. Lame.

Detention– I was was psyched about this film. It had been described as a Breakfast Club meets Scream hybrid. Not. Even. Close. Little did I know that it was a spoof. LAME.

Premise: As a killer named Cinderhella stalks the student body at the high school in Grizzly Lake, a group of co-eds band together to survive while they’re all serving detention.

The movie started out promising, but before the credits even began I’d already OD’ed on its hip faux-meta factor. Yes, BEFORE the credits. It went that overkill in that short period of time. The ENTIRE film was so, I would use the word ‘focused’ but this movie clearly lacked it, so I’ll use the word OBSESSED with being ultra hip and cutting edge, that it gets old FAST. I mean, I appreciate the style factor and aesthetics are always welcome, but whoever created this absolute mess of a movie, seriously needs to take their Ritalin.

The film doesn’t know what it wants to be. It’s like the writer/director, whoever, used every ‘cool’ idea they had and threw it ALL into the mix, continuity be damned. It’s like when you first learn Photoshop and see all the cool filters you can use… and then proceed to use ALL OF THEM. Naturally, you end up with a total mess and the original image is totally lost in the process. That’s what Detention was.

And when I say the movie was all over the map, I mean it. It went from self-referential teen slasher to Napoleon Dynamite (on a budget), to sci-fi to horror spoof, to teen movie spoof, to alien abduction movie and so on. And the overuse of CGI; it’s EVERY WHERE: from a simple throat slit to broken glass, it’s ridiculous. And don’t even get me started on that hack Dane Cook, cast as the principal. Just reading the comments on the trailer posted on YouTube was enough to make me lament the Duh Generation even more than usual. Cook crossed over into douche territory the moment his head went up his own ass. Definitely someone to be left to the TGIFriday’s crowd.

The bottom line: This movie is awful. It’s trying way too hard to use every color in the crayon box. Even for fans of 80’s, early 90’s films, this is just too painful to sit through. Do yourself a favor and rent anything else.

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