Kirkkitsch’s Blog

Idiocracy Vol.3
December 9, 2011, 6:00 am
Filed under: Idiocracy, Rants

People never cease to amaze me…but not in a good way. As time goes on, I’m surrounded by more and more idiots. Some of it I can excuse, simply because nobody’s perfect. We all have lapses in judgement from time to time, but more often than not, I find myself in the presence of honest to goodness morons. I can’t document them all, but here are a few recent ones that I can recall. Enjoy.

Scene: Customers coming into the store- Me (chipper as fuck): Hi! How are ya’ll doin’ today? Woman: We’re blessed. *insert migraine-inducing eyeroll from yours truly*

Really? Seriously? You can’t just say “fine”? Do you do this in all facets of your life? I bet you do. Save that shit for your fellow theology trogs. The same goes for the Bible thumpers who feel compelled to tell me to have a “blessed day”, upon me telling you to have a good afternoon/evening. I’m not telling you to have a “homosexual day”, so you can leave your proselytizing at home where it belongs.

——- • ——-

Heard at the “nice” Kroger, over the PA system: “We’d just like to gradulate David Smith on his 10-year anniversary, working here at Kroger. We’d all like to gradulate you on this special occasion. Gradulations, David!”

Gradulations. Yeah. Not once, but three times, so I know it wasn’t a mere slip of the tongue. Yikes. FUCKIN’ yikes. Dollars to donuts says they got their pronunciation off a GRADUATE card (i.e. ‘Grads’ = graduate = GRADulations).

——- • ——-

Bell ringer at Walgreen’s on his fuckin’ CELLPHONE the entire time I was there. Emo girl bellringer outside Kroger’s, looking SO fuckin’ bored, with her hair in her face and her Lisa Loeb glasses, that, for a brief moment, I thought she was actually boneless. Muttering lackluster salutations and holiday greetings. Why don’t you just pack it in and go the fuck home? You obviously don’t want to be here and/or have any respect for the charity for whom you’re working (and I use the term “working” loosely). WTF? And Salvation Army wonders why donations are down. Maybe if you had an actual grain of discernment in the hiring process. Gee, ya think?

——- • ——-

Okay, so I have this DVD that’s basically this bodybuilder guy flexing. Not necessarily “sexual”, but definitely fetish. Anyway, my whole point is that physically, I dig the bod…BUT…must he TALK? The absolute worst! Seriously, I’d rather hear bad ‘boom-chikka-wow-wow’ music than this drivel. I guess someone out there thinks it’s “hot”, but I just find it super-queer. It’s just SO incredibly bad; “sexy” hushed tones; telling you what he’s going to do (rip his shirt off). Oy. And while I’m at it, two more observations: Could his teeth be any whiter? There’s such a thing as TOO white (just like there’s such a think as too tan). Secondly, his mispronunciation of the term “voilà” (after ripping his shirt off): “wah-la”. Um, no. Why do so many people think it’s “wah-la?” It’s like saying “ValentiMes Day”. Ugh.

——- • ——-

I hate waiting behind people who act like it’s their first time there…E V E R (RedBox, fast food drive-thru, etc.). It’s a fuckin’ RedBox, dude, not the SATs. It’s Taco Bell…they make tacos and burritos. Mystery solved. And what’s with the guy at the Wendy’s drive-thru who’s STANDING outside his car door, hands on hips, scrutinizing the menu? Then when I pull up, I’M the weirdo cramping his style? WTF?

——- • ——-

Phone call at work:
Me: Hello, thank you for calling ______. This is Kirk, how can I help you?
Caller: Hi, what’s your phone number there?
(Internal dialogue: WTF? You called me, slapnuts!)

——- • ——-

And while I’m on the topic of customers, why do some of them always want something that we obviously don’t have? Why some people feel the need to make an otherwise 5 minute transaction last 3X as long, is a fuckin’ mystery to me. “Do we have PAPER bags?” (for your purchase, instead of the abundance of plastic ones you can clearly see from your side of the counter). NO! Who-the-fuck asks for paper bags any more? I’ll tell you who: old people who want to take them home and use them as cheap trashcan liners in the kitchen, and fussbudgets. And to compound the retardery: the employee checking her out AGREES with her that she too is mystified why we don’t offer a paper option; after all, SHE always asks for paper when SHE goes to the store. Gee, really? What a revelation that news is. I told her (in front of the customer), “I bet you do”, which the customer responds with “Just like a man”, to which I wanted to say “Yeah, and just like a woman to turn a routine procedure into a high-maintenance workshop.” Instead, I said “I rarely ever ask for a bag; I just bring my own re-usable one. I’ve got tons of them.” I guess this trifling shit gives these people something to do with their goddamn time. Save the fuckin’ world on someone else’s watch, I’m just here to ring up your shit and get you out of the store as quickly and painlessly as possible, not take part in your neuroses.

4 Comments so far
Leave a comment

I’ve had a really shitty past few months, and this made me laugh:) Thanks, Kirk.

Comment by Suzanne

Glad I could help! 😉

Sorry to hear about the past few months. I can relate. I guess it’s like they say, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” Call me Hercules. LOL! I think I’d rather it just kill me.

Comment by kirkkitsch

Another mispronunciation that makes me cringe is “li-berry”–you know where they keep books.

How about irregardless.

Or I could care less, to which I routinely answer “How much less?” to the response of a vapid look or a stupid come back that makes as much sense as saying I could care less.

I’m sure I wll think of more. Probably hear more of them today when I go to the grocery store.

Comment by Terri Rademacher Waldrop Collins

Oh god, I forget about li-berry. LOL! So true! I think I heard it more in my hometown than I do here, but it still makes me cringe.

As for irregardless (which is a double negative), that’s my dad’s favorite (non)word. SIGH. I listen to this show on NPR, called ‘A Way With Words’ and they were discussing that one recently.

I laughed out loud when I heard your response to “I could care less”. I will have to remember that one. And by the way, when people say that, it’s an automatic given that they DO care, but they’re trying to play it off like they don’t.

Sadly, vocabulary today has gone down the toilet, not to mention the re-branding of just about everything: Curtains are “panels”, tennie shoes are “sneakers”, etc. I can’t think of more at the moment, but I get a lot of blank looks when I reference something that is “old school”. ~sigh

Thanks for commenting! 🙂

Comment by kirkkitsch

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