Kirkkitsch’s Blog

Let’s Get Ready to R-A-M-B-L-E!
January 27, 2011, 6:00 am
Filed under: Life

Having played a word game recently on Facebook, where you use the 3rd letter of your first name to describe someone, someone described me as ‘dramatic.’ Granted, I don’t know this person, she’s just someone I use to further my online gaming addiction(s), it kinda irked me nonetheless. I’ve always put the adjective ‘dramatic’ in the same category as ‘bitter’. I detest both of those words, especially as they pertain to me. Oh well, maybe I’m just in denial. Maybe not.

Whatever the case, it’s one of the things that prompted me to be introspective (and extrospective). I’ve only really done this once before, when I questioned, after years of dry spells in the dating world, if perhaps my standards were unrealistically high (when it comes to deal breakers and the like, as it pertains to potential ‘significant others’). I came to the conclusion that they weren’t and that I was worth it. Even if that meant never sharing a home, bed or tax form. I’m still comfortable with my decision.

The most recent reflection regarded friendship: When is it time to cut dead weight? What constitutes a friendship? Is a friendship something that happens once a year? Am I a seat-filler until something better comes along? Because the definition of what a friendship is, varies with each person, how do I know if I’m being just in my decisions? Maybe they think it (the friendship) is great. Why fix what’s not broken? Is it broken? If so, is it worth fixing?

And that’s just the tip of iceberg. I’m probably over-thinking it. I have a bad habit of regurgitating even the most mundane of thoughts and/or feelings. This is great for the other person, as they never have to wonder what I’m thinking, but bad for me, in the end. An open book often leads to a Reading Crease. And a blog is born. LOL!

I think what spurred all this on is the fact that I really don’t like asking for help from friends. For anything, no matter how insignificant. I’d prefer to do things unaided if at all possible. And I know, I know, they want to help, blah blah blah. STILL, don’t like it. Obligation sucks. Pity sucks even more.

I transferred my old address book to my new one, and in the process, ended up calling information to see if I could track down the phone number for a friend of my mother’s (and mine). I sent her a Christmas card last year and it was returned (apparently she moved), so I wanted to make sure I had her current information. I called the number and it was hers, so it was nice to reconnect with her again. I hadn’t seen her since the funeral and I wanted to stay connected. We talked for a while and I was saddened to hear that her companion (they weren’t married, but lived together and were good friends) had passed away 4 years ago, so she’d moved back to our hometown. She said it was nice to have him there, especially as you get older, to alleviate some of the loneliness.

In addition, she mentioned that tomorrow was her birthday and said that she mentioned on Facebook that she hoped she got lots of phone calls, so I was ahead of the curve. I wished her a Happy Birthday and told her I was on Facebook too and would send her a friend request. She said she wasn’t very proficient with it, but it helped alleviate her boredom.

None of this is helping my current state of mind. I don’t know what’s wrong with me lately. It’s probably a combination of not being able to find a job, scrounging for money to pay bills, and being lonely. It happens. But that’s part of life, right? I’m ready for a change, in whatever form it comes in. I feel like wiping the slate clean and starting over might be a good thing. Lord knows what I have now isn’t working. None of it. Including me…and I’m running out of what little optimism is in stock.

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